Keeping It Real

I really don’t feel like writing tonight, which is probably a very good reason to write.

For me, the hardest part about my journey back to health is the level of honesty I have to pour into it if I want to get any results.  In this case honesty means a lot of things.  First there is honesty with myself, keeping it real on the home front.  That means having to really examine what I eat, what I eat and when I eat it.  Having to come to grips with getting cravings, want to leave out little things like the nibbles I take while preparing food and confessing when I want to break away from my food plan.  I love chocolate, and Tootsie Rolls are a passion.  The problem is we have a big old bowl of the Tootsie Rolls minis in our office that is always full.

So one day I looked up the caloric value of the minis, and there are about 10 of those little guys in an ounce for about 118 calories.  So I had 10, and from time to time (not on the same day) I have had 10 more.  But I never quite remember to write that in my food diary and when I do think about it, I think “Oh…it’s only 100 (notice the decrease) calories.  That’s no big deal.”   So I have to ask myself, “How many calories is enough to justify writing it down?

Now the purists out there would say 1 calorie or more, and the compulsive overeaters and food addicts would tell me a varying number, depending on how much they sneak.  And then I think about silly things like the time I had a Muscle Milk Bar, but logged in my food diary that I was having a Muscle Milk drink.  There is about a 10 calorie difference.  Does that matter?  Does the world need to know about my 10 calories.   Of course the minute I start thinking that you do, I am overwhelmed with the desire to cheat.  Healthy thinking right?

This is on my mind because this week I hit the 90 day anniversary of going to the Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt.  So here I am 90 days later wondering when I get to eat like a normal person and how much longer I have to write all down, think it all out, measure it, pre-cook it, pack it, etc.

So here goes some basic honesty.  I started overeating around age 23.  I am now 49.  So for 26 years I really didn’t care what I ate or what affect it had on my body.  So maybe 90 days isn’t as long as it feels…