Keep It Real

Yesterday someone said to me “I really enjoy your blog, but I stopped reading it because you don’t have the same food issues as me.”

Really?

I’m a compulsive overeater – so I have the eating disorder covered.  I’m addicted to carbs, so the whole addiction thing is pretty much covered.  I have/had a Vitamin D nutritional deficiency, which takes care of the “glandular” issue and I have low testosterone, so my hormonal excuse is taken care.  Plus Free Space…..BINGO!

As I was listening I kept thinking, “Are you kidding me?”  Now before I go further let me say that I am not trying to shame this person, nor am I taking the person’s inventory.  That is his or her job.  I am not making fun of her or him and I am not trying to be saracastic.  I spent some time thinking, “What is it that I don’t have?” 

And then it hit me.  I don’t have the ability to fool myself anymore that my journey back to health is outside my control.  This doesn’t make the journey easier mind you, but it does make it possible.  Prior to going to Sheppard Pratt I wanted to believe that I could not change my behavior no matter what I did.  I wanted it to be completely outside my control because that gave me the excuse to buy the family-size bag of potato chips and slip it on my face like a feed bag.

The truth is I didn’t want to be fat anymore, but I didn’t want to change my behaviors.  What I was stressing about was the physical outcome, not the source of the problem; or as some would say the symptoms not the disease. 

I didn’t want to keep buying bigger clothes and walking shorter distances.  I never again wanted the humilation of being turned away from an anmusement park ride for being “too big” or have to ask for the seat belt extension on planes; both of which have happened to me.  I didn’t want to do those things, but I still wanted to eat 4 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as a snack, treat a 1 pound bag of M&M’s as a single serving and drink 96 – 120 ounces of Coca Cola each day WITHOUT consequences.  And the fact is that just ain’t gonna happen.

So it came down to having to choose between having my cake and eating it too.  (It’s a great analogy, isn’t it?)   I had to either choose to journey back to health or choose to continue to treat a Big Mac, Super-sized fry and a 20 piece order of McNuggets , two apple pies and a quart of soda  as a meal.   I had the power to make either choice and nobody could stop me.  Totally my decision.

My weight wasn’t just holding me back physically.  It was holding me back from having a real life; and I am eternally grateful that I decided that I wanted that more.